Novels and Wavels About Whats to Come

There is an internal pulling that is pushing me back to New York. The old buildings, the sparkles of life, pizza, love and opportunity. It is the best place I have ever been or lived on earth. It is society. I ventured with my ex to Seattle in hopes of relief from our day to day. Relief from the craziness and postponement of our wanted progression with in the relationship. Relief from the rent and pay check to pay check living. A break from concrete and shoving on the streets. All of it has been relieving and I have an understanding of that west coast laid back vibe, but now its boring here in Seattle. Not a boring that invokes nights at home with nothing to do and it hardly translates to a motivation killer. I spend my nights writing music or writing posts such as these. I’ll go out to see my brother’s band play and have recently been meeting strangers to fill certain voids. I spend my day at work in the “city”. While it’s slow I’ve been exploring cafes and places to get something worth buying to pass over my taste buds. Somedays I give up and go to a popular sandwich sub spot for their $4 torpedo sandwich which happens to be that special size that doesn’t inflate my stomach and lets me devour some salt and vinegar chips. Most of the time I always have left overs everywhere I eat. I think its cause once I’m not hungry, my tastebuds turn off and what ever it is on my plate tastes like shit. Its a boring that resonates in my environment. I am not inspired by my surroundings. Things are too normal here. I’m not a fan.

Since things have changed, since my ex and I broke up, since I sleep by myself, since I can’t overlook all the ugly buildings, since it rains everyday, since everyone I want to call or see isn’t here, I’ve been feeling this internal pull. The exception is my brother. He and some financial gain are now the sole reasons I’m here. It doesn’t seem like coincidence that I spoke with Mike P about this same thing before shit went down. He said if it wasn’t for his band, he wouldn’t be here in Seattle either. My brother is putting his whole heart into the musical project we’ve been working on since I got here until shit went down and I told him about this pull to get me back home, my adopted home. He seemed like an enigma has thwarted him and tells me he thinks we should spend some more time here while we are together to get it mobile. Mobile, as in worth enough for the other members of the band to want to leave their settlement to pursue something more than local. Theres much discussion around this of course and this is my perspective. He puts some weight on my shoulders that I’m his one of two people to make music with in the world that feels right. The other was in our old band and he burnt out on drugs. So its pretty much just me in his mind.

After my old job called to make me an offer to get me to move back that would negate any financial gain I have for living here, I’ve been considering so many scenarios. I’ve also been coming clean with myself about why I want to move back. My first thought, as romantic and pathetic as it is, even in my time of grievance, is that being closer to my ex will allow for some fairytale shit to happen. Which I expect none and sort of write it off anyway. The most obvious is that I miss my friends more than ever and I don’t want to lose them. I’m worried about this because of my move from STL to NYC. I had a difficult time keeping in touch and generally felt like I changed so much that they wouldn’t want to stay friends with me anyway. I don’t want to change for Seattle. I want to stay relevant to my friends. I also happen to get really territorial over friends in a break up. Its to my dismay, and I realize this. Some of my friends will be both, some will be my friends and some will only be hers. Some we’ll loose because of the conflict but we’ll all be internet friends. Which comes at no consolation. I know I have no control over it. But I worry because she is much more socially pleasing than I am and can connect with people so nonchalant. Also I’ve been on the other side of this set up and wholly liked both individuals. They became the loss. Though this is a bit different, which I keep telling myself, because my ex and I are planning on being friends in the future.

However that works out I’m not sure. I want to call her but I have nothing to talk about with her besides my side. All I’ll try to do is convince her she doesn’t want kids. And when we do have that distance, she’ll be dating a guy and having kids. Cool for her, but I have yet to come across anyone besides family that I can associate with that has kids. Actually thats not true, but it just so happens that person was one of the people I had to give up in the break up conflict. Also, its a bit trite to say this is an absolute for me. I just don’t want kids, doesn’t mean I don’t want friends with kids. Maybe it will be a learning experience for me. See I’m thinking positive. I guess I mostly think of having kids as settling down and being boring. Totally not the case for everyone I assume. Often I think about that damn movie, “Funny People”. Its an ultimately sad story about a dude, guh Adam Sandler, that spends his life pursuing his dreams. He eventually comes to find out that his real dream was to be with his ex lover. I hate that I ever watched that movie but it gives some perspective. Also, he did achieve his thing and had no where else to go. Which I’m pretty certain I won’t ever be that dry for things I want to do. If it weren’t for that, I’d Thomas promise and have some damn kids.

I’ve been making plans with Anna to visit Moscow next year for a few months. This is ultimately exciting to me as I haven’t ever left the forced comfort of the United States. I made it to Hawaii once, which almost seems like a different planet, and a paradise that no one should be allowed to enjoy for their full time on earth. I’ve been fantasizing over visiting Russia for some time now. A lot of it has to do with some electronic music I’ve heard from there. Totally up my alley. Anna was born in Russia but grew up in Brooklyn with her mom. Her grandma still lives there and she visits once a year. I love Anna for many reasons, but she explained to me that she wants to visit me here for a month or two. I asked her why she felt the need to visit for so long and her reply is basically the same reason why I don’t travel. Her mindset is on point. If you visit a place, you don’t get to know the area or any of the people until you are involved. That takes some time. Pretty much the reason I wasn’t about to visit Brian in NY. Instead I just moved there. I wouldn’t be all that against moving to Russia except I don’t think I’m allowed for that long, politically.

So I sent an email back to the company, family as I like to call it because they are so small they make me feel like a brother, who offered to hire be back. In a basic summary it read: I want to come and your offer is more than generous, but I’d like to reserve the time off for a few months to visit Russia, can you deal with my non-compete contract I signed at my current job, I’m down with the hours I had before if you are still good with those, and I would love my old desk back because it was the best seat in the house…. smiley face. It’s been only 5 months since I left the NYC job market, but I already feel I’m getting soft. Why the hell did I do a smiley face in an email to the president of the company that wants to hire me back at a higher pay? I’m gonna call him tomorrow and straighten things out. The thing is, I’ve also got some other prospects in NYC for employment. I’ve got a few friends and contacts in the field that would most definitely vouch for me. Also, the plan to go to Russia works out a lot better if I’m in transition from Seattle to NYC. For one, I won’t have rent. For two I won’t have to worry about work so I could essentially stay until I needed to get back. No time frame? Now that’s my groove.

I’m up way too late to keep writing. Most of these topics I’ve been thinking about in novel forms. My leg is crossed and starting to fall asleep, I should too.